Love by any other name

Piggy-backing on Jenn's post about dating a la coreenne, did anyone read this article on the front page of today's New York Times? Check out the accompanying video and slideshow too.

I was struck by the contrast not only between Saudi tradition and the saccharine, Hollywood romance that the two young men depicted seem to idealize, but also with the cautious, almost reticent attitude among 20-something Americans. Nader isn't allowed to see or speak to his fiancee Sarah until the wedding, but she is in his cell phone as "My Love" and his ring tone is the Titanic theme song. In the video, Nader's cousin Enad talks about walking past his uncle's house and seeing his cousin without her veil, and falling in love at the mere sight of her. Never mind the incest part (for now), to my Western mind the idea of being in love after glimpsing someone once is preposterous. We Americans can date for months without considering ourselves "in love" - and even then, the etiquette of saying those three magic words without coming on too strong is a delicate balance.

Even compared to other Western cultures, the American dating scene is particularly cautious. A French friend of mind recently told that she had a new boyfriend whom she was very excited about. I congratulated her, and asked how long she'd been going out with this guy. "Since Saturday," she replied. This conversation happened on a Thursday. I know couples in the States who have been involved for months who don't consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

Even when that official status is achieved, usually fallowing a series of incremental steps (seeing each other, being involved, dating, being exclusive, being together, etc), both partners tend to be quite set on keeping their independence. No self-respecting American couple would ever wear matching t-shirts like in Korea, except maybe as a Halloween costume. Living together and/or engagement are seen as yet another momentous step, to only be undertaken after much thought and a deep conviction that you're "ready" and that you really have found "The One." We are a generation who has been told since birth that we could be, do and have it all, so our expectations for love are sky-high. "The One" has to be dreamily attractive, smart, hard-working, show potential to be a good parent, funny, share out interests and goals and "get us." Contrast that with Nader, who based his decision to marry Sarah (he was given the choice among his uncle's four daughters) because he'd seen her face as a child and remembered that she was pretty. In the West, that would be considered "crazy talk." Even Enad's idea of Western love - being engaged for six months and going out to dinner every night - is way on the conservative end of the spectrum of Western dating behavior. The norm is that you will date for at the very least a year before you get engaged, usually sleep together and maybe even cohabitate. My French relatives would think I was nuts if I announced my engagement to someone I wasn't living with (or at least moving in with imminently).